Whenever I try to write about anything this personal I feel overcome with emotion. I begin to remember my darkest moments, the family members I’ve lost and all of my anxieties. I remember the dark hole of anxiety and fear I felt I couldn’t escape for at least six years of my life, when simply getting dressed and walking outside was a huge achievement.
Dealing with my own mental health is a constant battle, there are many good days and just a few bad but, recently I’ve been struggling a little bit. I know this feeling shall pass but, this post is a little reminder to be kinder to myself.
“Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing you think you can’t survive, it’s the thing that makes you better than you used to be.” — Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home
I’m learning to love my sensitive nature. Growing up I assumed that being sensitive made you weak but, in fact it makes me resilient, kinder and more empathetic.
I’m learning to love my body. I’m not comfortable with my weight and never have been no matter how big or small but, I love how I can bounce back. I love how quickly my skin heals, how soft my skin feels and all of my curves, scars and freckles.
I’m learning to love my brain. Battling my thoughts and understanding my own mental health was something I thought I’d never be on top of; sometimes I’m not certain that I am. But, I’ve done a lot of research, I’ve been through counseling and I’ve read a few books on the subject to know what makes me tick. I understand my thought processes and when I need to take a minute. I understand why I might or might not have acted in a certain way and I know what to do to rectify things.
I might treat myself poorly sometimes and drown my sorrows in a bubble bath but, I’m brave and I’m strong and I’m capable of much more than I ever imagined.
I could be bitter and feel hurt but I’m soft and not hateful.
Growing up I never really contemplated my future. I was too anxious and focused on just coping with everyday. So, to say I’m proud of the life I’ve managed to create and the way I’ve managed to turn things around during my darkest moments is amazing to me.
I might not know what the hell I’m doing with my so called career and my mental state might differ from day to day but, I love me. I love who I’m becoming.